Meet yourself

So, we have a saying here in Holland. It says that people will always “meet themselves” at some time. Meaning that when someone is behaving in a way that is disfunctional, they will eventually end up feeling the consequences of their behavior. And today, I comfirmed that this saying is very much true.

See, I’ve been very confused over the last months. Acting out, not being myself, making choices I shouldn’t have made and sometimes even barely realizing it.
And I could blame all of this on being thrown out of a car by someone I had been together with for two years (without him even looking back or contacting me ever again).This experience alone would be traumatizing to nearly anyone (and hopefully someday, this will be a great story to scare the grand kids).
And for a long time, I thought that all of this might be the cause of my confusion. But the truth is, I had been stuck for a long time and this guy, he was merely a distraction or even a way of living, just so I wouldn’t fall apart – though still he was also someone I cared about very deeply. He was probably the effect of an allready existing situation, rather than the cause of it.

So I had been stuck, walking in circles, not living my life to its fullest, for years. And with him gone, I finally started noticing it.

And today, it got to my attention just how difunctional I have been. Making the wrong choices in friends, relationships, school, and not doing the things I actually wanted to do, making myself really unhappy.
I have wanted to move out ever since I was 18. Now I am 21 and I still haven’t. Not that 21 is a particularly old age to live at home around here (not sure what it’s like in other countries), but why would I deny myself something I wanted so bad for so long?
Getting a job: I know the economy isn’t exactly great at the time, but if I really tried, I should be able to find something, right?
Same thing: Learning to paint, go jetskiing, start kickboxing (I am serious), see the world and another 50 things that are on my bucket list.
So why haven’t I?

I started thinking, writing, had an explosion of brain activity in my head (I’m sure I could have measured it if I had the equipment).
Was I self destructive? Scared? Did I try to protect myself from being dissapointed?
One thing was for sure: I had been pretending to be fine for the last six months and it needed to stop. There is a problem here and whatever it is, I need to face it and solve it, or it will come bite me in the ass again later on.

I think I do have some of the answers here.
I guess the main problem is what I think about myself.

I think I might feel like I’m not good enough to accomplish anything I want. And even if I did, I would probably feel like I don’t deserve it.
After being told many times, in many different ways, that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t going to be good enough, I started believing that maybe I wasn’t. After being dissapointed and rejected by many different people, I started feeling like maybe I wasn’t important enough.
It is sad to realize that even though you know thoughts like these are irrational, you still feel that way. I could deny it, but that wouldn’t solve any of my problems. I’d rather face it now and find a possible solution.

I guess I’ll just have to be brave again. And it’s not even really a choice. It’s either stepping up and doing things to make a change, even though it isn’t easy, or I will have to stay in this situation – and that is not an option.

So I asked myself a few questions. How do I visualize being happy? What can I do about that right now? How will I accomplish those things? Who can help me with that (next to Oprah)? And probably the most important: Who do I want to be?
I wrote down the answers, although it scared me to do so. Now I just have to make sure to remember them. My goals, my whishes, my malfunctions.

Most important right now is to find a place of my own.
Sad to say, I think this house does not have a good effect on me. This house might be the thing holding me in my spiral of thoughts of not being good enough and not being important enough. And I hope that, once I have my own place, just one thing I accomplished, a place without any bad influence, I might start changing the way I see the world and I see myself.

I am going to focus all my energy in getting myself back on my feet. If I don’t do this now, for these reasons, then when will I ever?
As goes for any goal you’ll ever want to achieve. Why hold yourself back in doing something that will make you happy? What else do you have to lose besides your happiness? Isn’t that everyone’s goal eventually?

Why don’t you start now?

Blogging for Dummies

So I’ve been thinking a lot about how to start a blog. Like what site to use, what name to give it, what language to write in, what to post (and what not), how to edit the lay-out of the page, how to start my first blog (well, here it is).
But I guess the best way is to just start and figure it out along the way. If it works, keep doing it and if it doesn’t work, alter it. Christ wasn’t born in one day! Well actually he was… well anyway! (That wasn’t an actual saying, was it?)

See, I’ve spent a long time – like so many others – thinking I should do things perfectly or not at all. So I keep overthinking it, delaying it, and end up not doing anything at all (recognizable, isn’t it?).
But lately I’ve been wondering about the concept of “perfect” and “right”.
Everyone has their own values. People differ in what they find normal or acceptable or inappropriate. And in the end you will always dissapoint one person and make another one happy.
There is no right and so there is no wrong. There is only truth.

The truth is: I’m sitting here, typing, doing the best I can to put my thoughts on paper in a way that might inspire or otherwise amuse others (making as little misspellings as I possibly can, and I know I’ll still make them), and – if not any of the above – just putting my thoughts out there for the hell of it.

The only truth you will ever have is how you feel and how you experience things. What other people think about that, really has nothing to do with you.
You can only try to find the people who will accept your choices and support you, no matter what. And if you need to, share your thoughts with someone who will listen or read and not judge you for what you have to say.

And it scares the hell out of me.

But oh, you have to start somewhere. So why not here?
What will I write about? I don’t know! Life, poetry, culture… or more likely some crazy cat stories. Just wait and see!

We will get there when we need to.