Newly found laws of existence

Let’s do something original.
I’ve been writing and deleting (and writing and deleting and writing and deleting…) an introduction for you to quickly catch up with what I’ve been doing for the last months, before I start blogging about some specific subjects I have in my mind for the upcoming posts.
But there is really no quick way of telling you everything.
So instead of telling you what I’ve done, I’ve decided I’m going to give you a list of what I’ve learned.

Things I’ve learned in the last 7 months, a.k.a. my newly found laws of existence (I needed a cool name):

1. I’ve recently learned an important lesson: That it is possible to do things with fear. Your knees may be shaking, your palms may be sweaty, you might stutter, turn red, cry, but fear cannot hold you back. And in not letting it hold you back, you will become less afraid.
2. Perseverance is rewarding. And apparently, I have a lot of that.
3. 141592 65358 979 3238 46264 3383 279 50288 41971 693993 75105 820 974944 59 230 781 6406 28620 8998 6280 34825 34211 70679
4. I’ve learned to be a little less of a perfeksionist. And in doing so, I’ve made it easier for myself to be productive and finish tasks with less stress (suggested exercise: make mistakes on purpose). Not unimportant: I also enjoy activities more than I used to, thanks to the lack of constant pressure to be and do better.
5. I’ve learned to channel my emotions in a much healthier way and although I am not done learning just yet, I am absolutely convinced now that borderline is manageable, if not curable, whereas I would never have dared to think it possible some time ago.
6. Apparently, I like to paint.
7. “I have an infinite amount of tasks in a finite amount of time.” Is my own personalized alteration of Zeno’s Dichotomy paradox, based on my tendency to want to learn everything about everything with not enough life span to possibly be able to (and I am still determined to do it… referring to law number 2).
8. I learned I can be made childishly happy with simple things: Pie. Comics. Science. Books. Oh and board games, def board games. And even more I’ve learned the importance of making myself happy with these little things.
9. Everything is relative. And this time, I’m not referring to science. I’ve found that people’s opinions, about yourself or anything else for that matter, are not set in stone. We all have our observations and we are all allowed to have them. However, none of it is the absolute truth. A direct (translated) quote from my diary: “There is not just one way to look at things. That said, it’s not weird either to create your own truth. There is not just one way. And so nobody is ever really wrong. You can never say anything about that.” The thought of that has helped me a lot in forming my own opinion and finding my own way, regardless of what other people say.
10. I am not awful. I keep discovering that people actually like and appreciate what I have to say, although I’ve spent a long time thinking that wouldn’t be possible. Which also means that my own opinion is only relative and not necessarily true. And this has brought me some actual confidence to open up and take up space. From all the things I’ve learned, this is the one I am the most grateful for.
11. Acceptance. To accept the things I’m feeling, however ‘inconvenient’ it may seem. Accept things that are, even if it’s not what I’ve aimed for. To accept the time I need and the point I’m at. To listen to my own feelings and act upon those, not even needing to justify everything.

There is so much more that I’ve learned and so much more stories I’d like to share.
I am truly content with my life right now, which is all new for me. Being at this point right now, is more than I could have imagined or hoped for. I owe it to a variety of things, among which: My therapy, perseverance and a lot of hard work and reflection. And now I just want to bring you in on the things that have helped me so much. Which is exactly what I’m planning to do and for which I am going to take the necessary time and space, hopefully while illustrating my ‘laws’ a little bit more.

So please stay tuned for my upcoming posts. The plan is to mainly start explaining my kind of therapy to you, using a few models that I think everyone should be aware of, because it clarifies human behavior so so much. In between I’m going to write about a few random, lighter subjects, just to keep the balance. But I think those will be just as interesting for you guys.

So thank you all for reading, hope you liked it, and you’ll hear from me soon.

Perfectionism in blogging

So it has been really quiet from my end for a pretty long time.
I could say I have been busy and that is not a lie, but it’s not the actual reason. Surely I could have made some time to write a few words here and there.
The real reason is that I have been somewhat conflicted as to where I wanted to go with this blog. Up to the point where I was considering creating a different blog or even deleting some of my earlier posts.

One of the reasons is that I found it very time consuming to write a post. I think I’ve spent half a day writing and editing the last post, until I reached a point of enormous frustration, only to find that I wasn’t all too happy about the way it turned out anyway. Well, that’s not supposed to happen.
I wasn’t all too happy about it, because first of all, it was way too long for my taste. Second, it had several story lines in one, which made it hard to follow what I was trying to say. And third, it was a pretty personal story and although I had decided I wanted to write whatever the Hell I wanted to write, I didn’t feel entirely comfortable by posting it.

Then there was the diversity of the posts. I was writing about so many different things that I wasn’t sure anymore what I wanted it to be about. Again, I said I wanted to write just whatever came to mind, but then again I guess there has to be some sort of structure in it, right?
Just like I’m contemplating right now, as I am writing this, whether to actually post this or not. Because to what end? What am I trying to tell you? Who am I writing this to? What could possibly be interesting about this post to others or is it just about me speaking my mind?
What I don’t want, however, is to write a so-called inspiring, you-can-accomplish-anything, fairy tale blog, because (call me whatever you like) I really don’t believe in that shit and that is just not who I am. If anything, it has to be pure and raw, realistic in all its positive and negative ways.

Another reason is that I have a lot of ways – too many – of expressing my emotions. I have had a diary since I was nine and I’ve always been passionate about writing it, until right after the summer, when I got too busy to take my time to write and started finding other ways to express myself more quickly, efficiently, less painful to my wrist, causing my diary to be neglected. Ways such as drawing (which I have been doing my whole life), shooting a video diary (which is strictly personal), then the blogging right here and the newest thing is bluntly writing anything that comes out in a word-document (also strictly personal).
I am passionate about each and every one of those options, but the difficulty is that I can’t keep them all updated. That would simply be too much. So I have to make choices, boundaries, for which to use in what kind of situation.
I have to say I am also regretting the fact that I haven’t written my diary in a while, because it has always meant a lot to me. On the one hand I want to pick it up again, but on the other hand I realize that keeping up something just because it was a habit and has done a lot for you in the past, doesn’t mean you should continue doing it when obviously it has lost its meaning.

The last thing I’ve been conflicted with is my perfectionism problems. Like what I said about spending half a day writing and editing, reading it over and over 20 times, hitting the edit button maybe 30 times, those are not healthy things.
On top of that there’s the eternal debate whether to delete the blog or the posts because I think they might not be good enough, causing me not to write at all.
I had decided when I started this blog to write whatever I wanted and not care too much about it, because I knew that if I did, I would face this problem and probably stop writing all together, which in fact happened.

So from all the dilemmas I’ve mentioned a few things come forward. One is making choices. Choices for this blog, what I want to do with it. Choices for separate posts, like not trying to write too many things in one post. And choices for what I want to share right here on this blog and what I want to express in a different, perhaps more personal, way (one of the options I mentioned above).
Second is my perfectionism, which actually has a lot to do with choices. I tend to see choices as a one-way-or-the-other crucial, definitive decision. Meaning I put too much weight on the choices I have to make, which makes it hard to decide. And then of course, there is the time consuming part of perfectionism. Well, I have decided that I am not going to re-read this post even once. It’s just gonna go out there with flaws and all (well, I said that, but I couldn’t do it…).

I have to mention that just because I am writing this post now, does not mean I’m back in writing. I can feel in my bones (/in my blood/from my water) that I am still just too conflicted in what I want to accomplish from writing this blog. Personally and towards others. And I feel I am putting too much weight on this decision. And though I know I shouldn’t, I also feel that I cannot yell “Oh the Hell with it!” any time I feel conflicted, because I don’t want to be too impulsive and inconsiderate either.

So what I got to do is take my time, let it breathe, figure some stuff out for myself and only go back to blogging when I feel I have something I want to share, is meaningful to share and I feel I can do it in a considered, but light-hearted way.
Whether that’s gonna be on this blog or another one is something I have yet to decide.

So this is not a goodbye, it’s just a break (though I feel like I’m breaking up with someone). For all I know I could be writing another post in a week. Or it could be months – apart from the decision whether I will continue with this blog or another one.

Whatever choice I will make, one thing is for sure: I will certainly never stop writing. I have been writing my whole life and it would be unimaginable that I would stop doing just that. Words matter. Words are power. I wouldn’t care so much about this decision if I wouldn’t believe that were true. And with that, I have a quote (one of my favorites) I wish to end with.

“Words — so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
Nathanial Hawthorne

Blogging for Dummies

So I’ve been thinking a lot about how to start a blog. Like what site to use, what name to give it, what language to write in, what to post (and what not), how to edit the lay-out of the page, how to start my first blog (well, here it is).
But I guess the best way is to just start and figure it out along the way. If it works, keep doing it and if it doesn’t work, alter it. Christ wasn’t born in one day! Well actually he was… well anyway! (That wasn’t an actual saying, was it?)

See, I’ve spent a long time – like so many others – thinking I should do things perfectly or not at all. So I keep overthinking it, delaying it, and end up not doing anything at all (recognizable, isn’t it?).
But lately I’ve been wondering about the concept of “perfect” and “right”.
Everyone has their own values. People differ in what they find normal or acceptable or inappropriate. And in the end you will always dissapoint one person and make another one happy.
There is no right and so there is no wrong. There is only truth.

The truth is: I’m sitting here, typing, doing the best I can to put my thoughts on paper in a way that might inspire or otherwise amuse others (making as little misspellings as I possibly can, and I know I’ll still make them), and – if not any of the above – just putting my thoughts out there for the hell of it.

The only truth you will ever have is how you feel and how you experience things. What other people think about that, really has nothing to do with you.
You can only try to find the people who will accept your choices and support you, no matter what. And if you need to, share your thoughts with someone who will listen or read and not judge you for what you have to say.

And it scares the hell out of me.

But oh, you have to start somewhere. So why not here?
What will I write about? I don’t know! Life, poetry, culture… or more likely some crazy cat stories. Just wait and see!

We will get there when we need to.