Everything wrong with… and how to improve

I feel like there must be something wrong with the world. I’m feeling very frustrated right now, because I’m running very low on money at the moment. I feel almost ashamed saying it, because I associate it with irresponsibility and not being able to be independent. Which are two very important things for me to be. But maybe that isn’t entirely fair.

In 2015 I decided to quit school indefinitely. I had been struggling with depression, anxiety and a personality disorder since I was 12 years old. Which caused me to drop out of school several times. I got a high school diploma at 21, way below my level. I tried to go to college, but I couldn’t exactly do what I wanted to for my lack of education and besides that, I noticed how badly my mental health was affected by going to school. So I quit. And I am so very glad that I did.
I decided to work on myself, in therapy, and work in the meantime. I have grown so much. I think I can even say that I’m cured. I truly believe that there is no greater gift to give yourself than to make sure your inner self is well balanced.
I am, however, still scared to go back to school, because I know how much of a trigger this has been for me. But on the other hand, the jobs I can get without some proof of education are only few. The pay for those jobs are at a minimum wage.

I work hard. I do. But for a minimum wage and only variable hours. I study a lot. I don’t go to school, but I’m good at learning – now that my head’s at peace – and I’m teaching myself from books, from sites, whenever and wherever I can.

There are these two tings that make me so angry beyond anything else, and at times even depressed, although I am officially cured from that. Two problems I have that I feel so strongly should be fixed: The education system and work expectations/opportunities.

Everything wrong with the education system:
As I’ve mentioned, I struggled a lot through my childhood. My teachers saw it and knew it, I was being watched by childhood services. And still, when I couldn’t do school because of it, I got kicked out. Once you don’t have a diploma for a certain level in high school, you won’t be accepted into university. Unless of course, you get your diploma, but you pay an enormous amount of money for it.
1. Let me prove to you that I can do it. There’s one thing I hate, which is when the means don’t benefit the end. The way I see it, a diploma is some sort of proof that someone has a certain level of thinking. Schools ask for this proof, so they can be insured that you have a chance at succeeding. Which I think is wrong. I feel like every person should either know or learn their capabilities. We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us if we can or can’t do something. With a strong mentality and motivation, your chance at succeeding is the greatest. So my plea to any school would be: Just let me do it. Let me follow the classes, study the subjects, and at the end of it, I will prove to you that I can do it. By denying people before they even have the chance to show you anything, you’re turning people down that are perfectly capable. Based on the lack of a piece of paper. Which, like I explained, doesn’t prove anything at al.
2. Let me do it my way. I don’t know how many times I felt strongly that the way a school or a teacher wanted me to perceive or learn something, was not working for me. They tell us how to do an assignment, what it should be about, which classes we are obligated to attend, what the right way to perceive something is, how we should go about learning. This is not only demotivating, it’s crushing my sense of creativity. What about thinking outside of the box? Forming our own opinions? Creating the best way for every individual to learn in a way that works for them specifically? What about bringing something entirely new to the table? This is probably why  I am the most annoying student in history: I refuse to do it someone else’s way. But what the hell is wrong with that?
3. What are we learning?! This one is mostly directed at lower schools and high schools. They teach us mathematics, language, geography, history, science.. Which is all very important and useful. But ask yourself: What are truly the most important things you’ll ever learn? How about social interaction: The way to interpret others and how to clearly communicate without being offending or disrespectful. Psychology, which is basically the one subject that you will need everywhere, the one subject that is about all of us. It could teach us how to help each other or to watch for signs of mental illness and knowing how to respond in such a case. Or how about ourselves: Who am I, what are my strong points and my weaknesses? Meditation: Being able to look into ourselves and identify our thoughts, feelings, and needs. How to regulate our emotions. Or more practically: How to cook, have a healthy lifestyle, how to manage finances, how to look for a job or a home, or how to do taxes… I would be thrilled if someone had taught me this when I was younger. All these things that schools could teach us in order to maintain a healthy society and healthy individuals and you’re telling me that these other subjects are more important?

Everything wrong with work expectations/opportunities:
1. College required. Same as what I’ve mentioned before: When I have taught myself everything there is to know about a subject, be it from only reading books, why is there not a way for me to prove that I am fit to do the job, without going through the whole college thing? There should be some kind of test before actually going into the field, okay. But I’m not sacrificing 4 year of my life to be educated in something I already know. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t feel like I do know that much and I do understand you need some sort of education and second opinion, just to make sure you know how to do your job correctly. I just wonder why it should always be this way.
2. 35+ hours. I often feel ridiculed when I tell people that I can’t work for more than 4 days a week. They first tell me how much they are working (5 or 6 days) and usually I end up saying that I have things to do besides work and they tell me what they all have to do besides work and eventually it becomes a ‘my horse is bigger than yours’ kind of thing and the message is clear: Stop whining. As to why I feel I can’t work more than 4 days: I’ve come to learn my limit and I just know that 5 or more days is simply too much for me. It’s about knowing your personal boundaries. And it may just be that my limit it somewhat lower than someone else’s. So it’s not fair to compare or compete, because we are all different people with different mentalities and when you are cool with doing 35, 40, 45 hours a week, then congratulations, but that’s not me. Secondly, I don’t feel like a lot of people are cool with that, and I get a feeling that that is exactly why they become angry with me: because they feel frustrated about it, but they just suck it up, because that is just the ‘normal’ way to do things. And I wonder why that is. Why is it normal to accept these kinds of hours, when we have lives to live and work is keeping us from living it? If that’s how you like it, again: congratulations, but there should be options for people who feel otherwise. It’s not about being lazy or not being willing to work. I just feel there should be more than that.
3. Payment equality. Minimum wage. That’s what you get for having a job in a store. I understand in some ways, that there should be differences between the pay for having a job that you studied hard for and a job that doesn’t require much knowledge. But I don’t understand why the difference should be this big. I work just as hard, just as much, my job can be just as challenging… yet I don’t have money to spare, although I’m living a very inexpensive lifestyle and pay inexpensive rent.

These are just my own very blunt opinions. I understand that a solution is not always easy and that in some ways, you’re just going to have to adjust to the way it is as much as you can. I do think, however, that (whatever your personal opinion on the matter is) it is healthy and wise to criticize the way things are. It’s easy to assume that this is ‘just the way that it is’, but we should also be aware of how it doesn’t need to be. There are always ways to improve and other ways to try things. And those new ways don’t need to be the correct ones, either. They are just as well open for improvement.
We should always be looking how to be the best and happiest version of ourselves and how to create a healthy and happy society. What works for us? And what may work for some, but not for others? It starts with education and it continues with the expectations that society has from its people.
I would like to point out that happy and healthy people lead to a more functional society, so eventually expressing our needs, will benefit all of us. But we’ll have to be honest. Tell ourselves honestly what we feel, what we wish for and what our limits are. Then tell others the same. As soon as there are more people sharing one opinion, there is opportunity for change.

The big floating purple pillow

I’m lying on my pillow in the sky. This is my safe place. I go here when I’m upset. Or scared. It’s big and soft and high above the world. I can see the buildings beneath me. The city asleep, the stars above. The clock tower lit up on the one side. I can smell fresh bread below, but the air is quiet. I won’t be bothered here. I’m far away from everything, high above, yet it’s impossible to fall off.
And in my safe place, you are here as well. We’re lying next to each other and we’re cuddling like we usually do. It’s safe and warm. This is where you’ll never leave me.
It’s all I ever want to do. Be on that pillow. You with me.

I have memories of you leaving. Of you gone. I remember a sharp pain. I remember burning. But it’s not real. You are here. In my safe place, on a floating pillow. You are here.
You left. You let me down. I believed in you again and when I trusted you to stay, to come back, you left. But you’re not. You didn’t.
We’re cuddling. I can feel your body, attached to mine. We are here. You a part of me.

The bell rings, I do not know which hour. It’s the clock tower. There are birds in the sky, I do not know which. But they fly, black streaks against the sky. It’s the smell of bread. But it’s night. I do not know why. But the stars shine bright.
This is real. I can feel you. I can feel my feelings for you. We will never leave this pillow. A floating pillow. You wouldn’t leave.

I’m falling asleep. You next to me. Body to body, you’re holding me. Hand in hand. It’s been a long night.
I wake up. There is an empty feeling. Where are you? You couldn’t have left. We were high up in the sky.
I realize my pillow isn’t purple. Where are the black streaks? Why is it light? It’s not right.
I can’t breathe. A hollow feeling’s rushing over me. I’m afraid of losing you.

I have to find you. Where did I see you last?
I’m on my purple floating pillow. Everything is quiet here. There you are. Let’s go back to bed.

Loss by reason

On a rainy, lonely day, with nothing much to do, I can only sit in my ivory tower and do some 11th floor thinking. I say lonely, because that is how I feel right now. It’s been a rough week on me in terms of unhealthy relationships and I feel like there isn’t really anyone to turn to at this point.

However, I do notice a change in me when it comes to coping and severity of the impact of emotions. If I understand correctly from my recently acquired knowledge of DBT – short for Dialectical Behavior Therapy – this corresponds with one of the stages (as DBT has 4 stages of treatment), which is pretty much about feeling emotions without suffocating in them. Now, I’m in a different kind of therapy – Schema therapy, accompanied by a recently started mindfulness group – but I do see a lot of similarities in the two, since they’re both specifically designed for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. The treatments have a very different approach, but in the end work towards the same goals.
If you are somewhat familiar with the concept of Borderline, you will know that one of the most critical issues is loss and loneliness. Fear of abandonment, clinging, an unsatisfiable feeling of emptiness, problems with being alone and severe reactions to loss. As Borderline, however, also means establishing and maintaining unstable relationships, abandonment is frequently inevitable.

I don’t see myself as being the most extreme case of Borderline. I’m more of a quiet Borderliner and then still not the most affected one. When I hear stories of others, I can empathize, since I understand their perception from comparing it to my own and I recognize the similar traits, but I suppose I only have a mild version of the disorder (although here is where I doubt my own accuracy, because downgrading problems and feelings is also a known Borderline thing).
But I do have my share of unhealthy relationships. Like, really. For some reason I seem to only attract – and be attracted to – what I call ’emotionally unavailable’ men. I’m talking dominant, denigrating, neglecting, troubled beyond repair, selfish, taken(!), about to move away, still hung up on an ex, not interested in serious relationships, emotionally cut off men. I am seriously in wonder of how your mind just knows these things, because these factors increase the level of attractiveness in a man, even before I explicitly learn about them.
There is good news. 1: There’s a trick. Never go for the 9 or the 10. If you know yourself to end up in these relationships, be aware of your attraction to someone. Measure the attraction and rather go for a 6 or 7 on the attraction scale. A healthy relationship often grows slowly. Secondly, whatever the number, but especially if you do go out with an 8 or higher, observe cautiously and make mental notes of red flags (and I’m saying cautious,  not overly suspicious). A red flag being a sign that he/she will not be able to give you what you need (so be aware of what you need). Don’t fall in love, but slowly float in love. And 2: It gets better. If you are doing therapy, working on yourself, eventually – alongside your personal growth – your attraction to bad matches will become less.

I’m one to talk. I have a reasonable amount of insight in these things, but struggle just as much. You see, I have found my perfect dysfunctional match.
It would be easier to explain to you in schemas, because with my most severe schema being the one we call ‘Emotional Deprivation’, it makes sense that my ’10’, my perfect match, would be an emotionally ‘deprivating’ person. He ticks all my schema boxes (if it did, I did not mean for that to sound dirty). This is what we call ‘schema chemistry’. But I haven’t yet explained a whole lot to you about schemas, so I’ll make a side note out of it and I’ll explain it some other time.
This guy is Peter Pan – a nickname I gave to him, but he doesn’t know what it means. A lost boy, comes and goes whenever he wants, doesn’t want to feel attached, refuses to grow up. We’ve been in this on-again, off-again kind of thing for a long time now. We get back together, it’s intense, then he’s just gone. Hits like a comet, then rages on. While I am starting to get past this ‘men-problem’, he is the one person I still keep getting back to. The worst part is: He’s actually a good guy.
‘Dialectical thinking’: Two things can be true simultaneously. He is the worst influence on me, because he goes and then comes back into my life and I always know he will drag me down. And yet I do strongly feel for him – I can’t even describe to you how much I care about this guy – because he is just a good and caring person, with a shitload of problems. I can understand him. We are actually very similar, with the exception of one thing: I have gained the insight into my own thinking and my actions, trying to change and fix what was wrong. And he hasn’t… yet.
Then there’s the frustrating part: I may understand him perfectly, but I can never make him understand that I do. Or what it is that I understand. There is only one way that people can truly change: If they want to. If they deliberately choose to do so. Whatever I say, whatever insights I may have in him, it will not do anything for him or for us.

Recently, we’ve been seeing each other again. I don’t think it’s even been this intense, ever. I feel it through my whole body, when I look at him: I just want to tell him I love him. And then I leave, while I wish I could lock us up in a room and never get out, and I get this huge fear of losing him. Not even because of the Borderline, but because this is realistic. This is what happens between us every time. Then I start feeling sad and anxious, especially when I don’t get the response I wish I would get from him.
This is where I stop myself. I would have desperately clung to him in the past, but I know that will drive him even further from me. So I don’t act. However, I do feel pain and I know that this pain is real and realistic. I am not in a place as I would want to be with him. He is not committed to me and I know he would leave me whenever he feels like it – whatever I do or don’t do.
So in contrast to the intensity of it and my feelings for him, you can imagine the pain I am feeling, knowing this will not work. Luckily, I am in a better place now, personally, and I can endure the pain and think a little more clearly now.

Here is where I come back to my initial point. Now that I can bear the feeling of loneliness (without going off like a nuclear bomb), there is room for me to observe. And with this observation, to consciously make a decision. To consciously choose loss and loneliness, knowing it will hurt me, over a relationship that will eventually hurt me even more – and more than once.

It is not easy to change. And mostly for the part where it comes to leaving others behind. When you change, you will lose people you care about. Not because we don’t care anymore, but because it’s only natural. You were connected because of how well you fit together and when one person changes, you might not fit together anymore, or not in the same way.
This is okay. It is okay to grow apart, because it doesn’t mean that we forget that someone was once important in our lives. Sometimes we just do.
At the same time, it’s also painful. That is okay just as well. It is supposed to be painful, but it doesn’t need to be all-consuming. This is hard to explain, because I know what it’s like when you feel like your pain is like being torn up from the inside or the center of your Universe being destroyed, as if this pain will never go away. But at some point, you will learn that pain is to be observed and nurtured and it will almost be like a relief to feel it. Pain is 10 times more bearable, once you can accept it’s there.
In the same way, if you are not ready to move past a situation or relationship, even though you know it’s not functional, that is perfectly okay too. As long as you knowingly make the decision to stay there a little while longer. Be confident that, as long as you’re moving forward, there will be a time that you are ready to step away.

As for me and Peter Pan and our adventures in Wonderland (trust me, it’s more applicable this way), I think the one way for me to move on, is to tell him how I feel about him. That I do have serious feelings for him and that is why I can’t sustain this relationship the way it has been, because it will hurt me every time.
I will still have the same feelings for him, whatever happens. And I will have pain in leaving him behind, if that is what it comes down to. But to put my cards on the table, even if that means eventually closing the door, will open up a platform for me to build something on, on terms I actually agree on. With or without him, or maybe in another way of connecting.
And if he would ever choose to change, because he wants to, then we can always look to see if there is again another way we might fit together – or not.

Don’t for a second think that I am all wise about it and I don’t go Borderline from time to time. I do.
In my reason, I know all of this to be true. In all my other modes, I’m internally at war. It’s confusing and sad. But I hope my reason will be able to calm the rest of me down. That I can accept the confusion, the sadness, even the anger. Acknowledge it and then go back to my reason.
Borderline or no borderline, loss is always painful. Sometimes more than other times. In any case, only time and learning to see things in a different perspective can help. And if I was able to provide some perspective, I’m happy to have done so.

Make pi-day happen!

Today is, without a doubt, the most important day of the year: Pi-day!

– What?

Yep, March 14 is the annual date in dedication of the mathematical infinity, π. (As pi is 3,14…). Which makes it a perfect annual excuse to eat pie (and I actually didn’t make that up, it’s a real thing on pi-day).The rest of the year you’re on your own with making excuses. 😉

I love numbers, I love math and I absolutely loooove pie.
So I meant to post about this sooner, because I have been really excited about this day and I’ve been trying to drag as many people with me in my enthusiasm (by any means necessary…), but yeah, I got busy, so I’m just getting to it now.

It’s just the most awesome under-celebrated day of the year. And I think it deserves some credit. I think we should celebrate science, we should celebrate intelligence and I think there could be fun ways to do that, on this day (in case you need some ideas, look further below).
I already struck a deal with a local café to have them introduce new pies on this day and make them 3,14 euros (free for me, because it was my idea), and I’m planning on bringing pie to anyone I see today. Whenever I get the chance, I’m referring to pi(e)!

And now I’m asking you: Make pi-day happen!!

Fun things to do on pi-day:
1. Calculate circles
2. Walk in circles
3. Think about pi
4. Talk about pi
5. Eat pie!
6. Watch life of Pi
7. Do math
8. Talk about why pie is round (and calculate it, then eat it)
9. Wish people a ‘happy pi-day’! (Don’t forget, for future followers)
10. Think about infinity

The more people join in, the better!
I’m counting on you guys!

I have been working on a post, referring to pi as well, but being about another very interesting subject. I’m gonna finish it asap and you’ll see it when it’s done!
So watch out for my upcoming post, specially if you’re into pi (or math or psychology).

Also, tell me other fun ideas of what to do on pi-day! Or how you’ve actually made it happen!

Have a happy pi-day!!

Newly found laws of existence

Let’s do something original.
I’ve been writing and deleting (and writing and deleting and writing and deleting…) an introduction for you to quickly catch up with what I’ve been doing for the last months, before I start blogging about some specific subjects I have in my mind for the upcoming posts.
But there is really no quick way of telling you everything.
So instead of telling you what I’ve done, I’ve decided I’m going to give you a list of what I’ve learned.

Things I’ve learned in the last 7 months, a.k.a. my newly found laws of existence (I needed a cool name):

1. I’ve recently learned an important lesson: That it is possible to do things with fear. Your knees may be shaking, your palms may be sweaty, you might stutter, turn red, cry, but fear cannot hold you back. And in not letting it hold you back, you will become less afraid.
2. Perseverance is rewarding. And apparently, I have a lot of that.
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4. I’ve learned to be a little less of a perfeksionist. And in doing so, I’ve made it easier for myself to be productive and finish tasks with less stress (suggested exercise: make mistakes on purpose). Not unimportant: I also enjoy activities more than I used to, thanks to the lack of constant pressure to be and do better.
5. I’ve learned to channel my emotions in a much healthier way and although I am not done learning just yet, I am absolutely convinced now that borderline is manageable, if not curable, whereas I would never have dared to think it possible some time ago.
6. Apparently, I like to paint.
7. “I have an infinite amount of tasks in a finite amount of time.” Is my own personalized alteration of Zeno’s Dichotomy paradox, based on my tendency to want to learn everything about everything with not enough life span to possibly be able to (and I am still determined to do it… referring to law number 2).
8. I learned I can be made childishly happy with simple things: Pie. Comics. Science. Books. Oh and board games, def board games. And even more I’ve learned the importance of making myself happy with these little things.
9. Everything is relative. And this time, I’m not referring to science. I’ve found that people’s opinions, about yourself or anything else for that matter, are not set in stone. We all have our observations and we are all allowed to have them. However, none of it is the absolute truth. A direct (translated) quote from my diary: “There is not just one way to look at things. That said, it’s not weird either to create your own truth. There is not just one way. And so nobody is ever really wrong. You can never say anything about that.” The thought of that has helped me a lot in forming my own opinion and finding my own way, regardless of what other people say.
10. I am not awful. I keep discovering that people actually like and appreciate what I have to say, although I’ve spent a long time thinking that wouldn’t be possible. Which also means that my own opinion is only relative and not necessarily true. And this has brought me some actual confidence to open up and take up space. From all the things I’ve learned, this is the one I am the most grateful for.
11. Acceptance. To accept the things I’m feeling, however ‘inconvenient’ it may seem. Accept things that are, even if it’s not what I’ve aimed for. To accept the time I need and the point I’m at. To listen to my own feelings and act upon those, not even needing to justify everything.

There is so much more that I’ve learned and so much more stories I’d like to share.
I am truly content with my life right now, which is all new for me. Being at this point right now, is more than I could have imagined or hoped for. I owe it to a variety of things, among which: My therapy, perseverance and a lot of hard work and reflection. And now I just want to bring you in on the things that have helped me so much. Which is exactly what I’m planning to do and for which I am going to take the necessary time and space, hopefully while illustrating my ‘laws’ a little bit more.

So please stay tuned for my upcoming posts. The plan is to mainly start explaining my kind of therapy to you, using a few models that I think everyone should be aware of, because it clarifies human behavior so so much. In between I’m going to write about a few random, lighter subjects, just to keep the balance. But I think those will be just as interesting for you guys.

So thank you all for reading, hope you liked it, and you’ll hear from me soon.

Isolation plan 2.0

Well, I’ve been in my bed all day today and I guess I’m just writing because I decided to live under my blanket from now on and I figured that I’d get bored, so I needed something to do.
Besides the boredom, it seems pretty perfect… I have my bed, my pillow, my blanket. I’ll be safe and warm. I really don’t need to see anybody, so I don’t have to do my make-up or even get dressed… it will save me time, effort, even money. I have electricity, my computer, my TV, my books… plenty to do and I still don’t need anybody to do it. I have a small house with a kitchen and my own bathroom, so I don’t need to walk very far for the things I need. I could even crawl there if I feel lazy! Hell, I could move my fridge to my bed-side if I wanted to (let’s not mention the fact that I can’t even open a bottle on my own strength, let alone move my fridge). The only thing is… I’m gonna need groceries… I mean, if I’m gonna be snacking at this rate. I could always eat the cat. Or roast a pigeon… Just kidding (almost wrote ‘Just kitten…’), I love cats.
Yeah, I could perfectly spend my days here, in my own ivory tower. Watching the world from way up here and never needing to participate.
I would just spend time alone, catching up on some me-time. I could write, learn some languages, read novels and books about science. I love science and astronomy in particular. I would finally have some time to work on that. It’s not like I would just lie in bed and do nothing. I’m really not that good at doing nothing.

So yeah, this probably isn’t gonna work in reality. I have been thinking about laying low, though.
I’ve had a busy few days, weeks maybe. A lot of emotional events and yeah, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed about it. At first confused, having the strangest emotional outbursts from crying to feeling ecstatic and back again. But now, for the first time in a while, I’m just alone with nothing to do and I’m finally feeling what there is to feel. So I feel sad, I feel that I might have pushed myself too hard, I feel the need to be alone and sulk in it.
In a way, I see my need for isolation as a good thing. I’m keeping away from negative things in my life and although it means keeping away from the things I love as well, it is a good sign that I finally want to create some distance from it, at least until I’ve sorted it out.

So here’s another way to look at things… Although being sad or depressed is often viewed as a negative emotion that needs to go sooner rather than later, we under-appreciate the message it brings us. It’s kind of okay to feel a little off now and then. You’ll feel what you need and want and this feeling is basically telling us in its kindest voice: “Hey, this situation is not what you would have wanted for yourself and you should take some time to process that.” I’ve realized only today that all the events that happened gave me the feeling of being powerless. Right now I’m just being sad about it and I want to be alone with that feeling, which I otherwise would have pushed away. But I do trust, even though I don’t feel like it right now, that I will at one point be done with sulking and I will experience some small things that I’d want to do outside these four walls and slowly build that up. Come with solutions or wait for them. Otherwise accept what has happened and the things that cannot be. I trust that, when the time is right and only when the time is right… I’ll step out that door and feel a little motivated again.
Basically I’m saying that the pain we feel and all the sadness, instead of shoving it out like an unwelcome guest, we could welcome it, sit with it, listen to it. Maybe then we’ll discover that it can’t really hurt us or kill us and all along it was just a misunderstood party that was just trying to help and tell us something.

This is my case right now. I have felt pain in great quantities and for long periods of time and I know that it can’t always be this simple. There is nothing wrong with asking for help if that is what you need. But you should keep in mind that the inward pain you’re experiencing, isn’t always there to hurt you. It is a part of you and either you push it and it will push you back (I mean, that’s what I would do if someone pushed me, seems like a logic response), or you receive it with open arms and you figure out what it has to say. Like a wave smashing in the water, but it can’t really do anything, ’cause the water was already wet. (I don’t know where I’m going with that or if it even made any sense…)

I’m gonna stop now, before I come up with even more stupid metaphors.

Inside the Hamster Ball

It’s been a few months since my group therapy has ended, but still I find myself captivated by the things I have learned about myself thanks to schema therapy. I just have the feeling for the first time in my life that I can understand my own actions and I can reason how and why I have been affected in certain ways. It’s like I’m able to breathe again, knowing that my actions have more logic than I initially reckoned and therefore I am possibly not crazy.

First of all, let me try to explain about this form of therapy in my own words, for those who need explaining. Schema therapy, developed by Dr. Young (I must add, or he might find me and punch me in the face), is based on the idea that people create certain thought patterns, based on the experiences they have – or don’t have – mostly in their childhood, which influences them in their self-image and the way they perceive the world around them, long afterwards. In my own perception, I’d like to think of us as if we are programmed with basic assumptions, like creating blueprints for what life is like.
In this programming and copying assumptions, we might encounter some situations that we misinterpret, wrongfully assign to ourselves or we generalize a situation that may not be representative for all other situations. There are many ways this might happen, but to give some examples: If a child is frequently bullied at school, it might grow up with the assumptions that there is something wrong with him. If a child is neglected by his parents, he might grow up with the belief that he is not important. Or even simpler than that: If a child is raised in a perfectly good home, with decent parents, but is never granted any compliment, he might still develop issues where he thinks he is a failure. Depending on the child, the outcome will differ. Some will be just fine, while others will easily develop dysfunctional patterns. The interesting thing is, that these patterns can persist far into adult life and even after experiencing events that may prove the opposite (which we can, for the people interested in psychological terms, attribute to the effect of the Confirmation Bias). It can reactivate a thought- and behavioral pattern in certain situations and give complications later in life that can possibly lead to a variety of mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, borderline and what not.

Okay, so this might all not be much news to you, but what interests me in schema therapy is that it has categorized the full range of thought patterns and behavioral patterns. There is a number of dysfunctional schemas, which are the initial, uncompromised thoughts we have, sorted into comprehensible categories. These schemas lead to what we call modes, which are the ways we respond to our initial thoughts and how we try, in our insufficient ways, to override the effect it has on us. These are also categorized.
This makes it really easy for patients to recognize and understand their behavior and the diagnosis they may have. In my case it was just such a relief to be able to give my demons a name and to be aware of their presence.
I find the whole concept extremely interesting and I want nothing more than to explain all the little facts an theories, based on this categorization (about the combination with mental disorders, interesting states people get in due to its effects, even partner choice that is based on schemas and modes), but it might be more useful to let you look it up if you are interested. There are plenty of books and websites. Unfortunately, I can’t refer you to any English ones, but I have seen they do exist (google schema therapy).

There are some things that I have worked out on my own, in addition to this theory, and even named a few theories I have on the subject (and Dr. Young better give me credit for that, or I will punch him in the face).

One of these theories is based on what I have experienced myself. Within these categorizations of schemas, I noticed that somehow they all affect each other. So one thought gets followed by another, until basically the fact that someone hasn’t called me back or that there was something I didn’t do well, results in the thoughts that I am a complete failure, will be alone forever and I probably do not deserve to live. Talk about radical.
It might be hard to understand when you don’t know the differences between the schemas, but it basically means that if one schema gets activated, they all do. Which is why I call this “the Musketeer Effect“. As in: “One for all and all for one!”

Also, here comes my second theory, we often said in the group that this punishing voice, which tells us these negative thoughts (the Punitive Parent, in schema language), does not like success. So we might not only be triggered by situations that go wrong, but also situations that go really well.
Of course I have a name for that. Either “The Vindictive Counter Reaction” or “The Depreciating/Detracting Counter Reaction” I just couldn’t choose, I like them all (Anyone watches The Flash? I feel like Cisco sometimes).
It means that it will dismiss positive experiences, as if they were lies, misconceptions and assign them to other factors. So someone was laughing at me, not because they liked me, but because they pitied me or got awkward or it was actually directed at someone else. This is the reason I often feel really bad after I had a really good time. My mind just alters the experience I had into a negative one.
Another case in which I feel scared or sad after a good experience, is when I simply realize that I find it hard to engage. To open up after all I have been through. This is a milder case scenario, because I do not diminish the experience, but I do see that it’s not easy for me. This deserves a quite different label, though.

My most frequently activated mode is what I roughly translate into the Detached Protector. Or as I like to call it: My Hamster Ball. It’s one of the existing categories and basically it means I detach from the emotions I have. Whenever I feel angry or sad or scared or I simply find something hard to do or say, I suppress the emotions I have by involuntarily going into a state of mind where I cannot feel them. It took me a long time to figure out what could possibly be wrong with that (or that I had that problem at all, thinking I just didn’t feel anything), but now I have a long list of unwelcome consequences.
Let me tell you now, that if you happen to recognize yourself in what I’m telling you, that you are absolutely out of your mind. Nah, just kidding… You have nothing to worry about as long as you experience the effects in proportions and you don’t suffer from it. (Which is one more reason I love schema therapy: You can apply it even to basic emotions and people’s behavior in general. Which in its turn, almost makes me feel like a normal person.)

So here’s my long list of unwelcome consequences:
1. The obvious effect of blocking your emotions… is not feeling your emotions. We as people want to and try to avoid pain by all means necessary, but we forget the function our emotions have. It is a sign for us that we have a need for something or boundaries that we do not want crossed. When shutting down our emotions, we also lose our sense of that. We can no longer suffice to what we need done and we cannot know what we do or do not want, let alone tell someone.
2. In this state of mind one of the consequences – and I can only guess why – is that we avoid sincere contact with others. My guess would be that others can trigger emotions in us, harm us or, my personal experience and dread, ask us about how we feel (on which we might respond with an outburst of sobbing and wailing). The very emotions we want to avoid. So in order to dodge the bullet, we go quiet, don’t engage in conversations, avoid eye-contact (hair goes in front of eyes, problem solved), avoid any emotional input at all.
3. A well-known side effect is getting very, very hazy. You might not even notice it at the time, but if you do you will experience the world as if there’s a veil fallen over it. Like it doesn’t reach you for a 100 percent and you cannot reach it either. This is also a first step towards dissociation.
4. Looking back on a state in the Hamster Ball, I have experienced that I can’t recall it quite as well as moments when I was not in this state. My memories therefore, are very vague. So, forgetfulness is definitely a symptom.
5.  I will have a sincere feeling of tiredness. Indistinguishable from actual tiredness, except that it happens to come up simultaneously when my wall goes up and it magically disappears when it goes back down.
6. To avoid any emotional content, I will be strangely focused on things that are not significant at all. Such as the lining in the wood or my fingernails or a strand of hair, toying with my eyelashes, anything at all.
There are many more implications and telltales (which I find sometimes amusing), of which there are some that may be applicable to anyone and some that may be personal.

Like I said, it is not necessarily a problem to have this mode from time to time, but it has mean consequences when it gets out of proportions. Like I hinted before, this mode (in my personal theory) is on a direct line with dissociation. Dissociation is a very confusing and frightening state of mind, that consists all the effects mentioned above, but then in an increased way.
When I dissociated for one of the first times, I fell into complete apathy (as someone described me afterwards), panicked because I just “didn’t know” anymore (what don’t you know? I don’t know! That is just all I could think at that moment: “I don’t know. I don’t understand.”) and eventually I just had to get out, I had to go away. Only to learn years after that, the nature of that inexplicable event.

A second theory I have on this subject, is what I call “The Nuclear Bomb“. This is where you find yourself in a vicious thought circle that starts with your negative thoughts, your schemas, that have impact on your emotions, those emotions arouse your Detached Protector, but because that represses your emotions, it magnifies your schemas even more (also consisting of the Nuclear Bomb). Because all these factors amplify each other, it will trigger a highly suppressed emotional state, which will be harder to control by the second. This can cause an outburst at some point, such as a panic attack.

I realize it’s quite a lot to take in, especially when this is the first time you hear of schema therapy, and I notice there is a lot I would like to say about it, but I’d even rather encourage you to do some research of your own. You may find it easier to understand yourself or the people around you. I know I do. I would also like to hear your take on this. Maybe even some new theories.
I’m lucky to have made a good friend in therapy, we talk about schemas like… all the time. It’s kind of our thing.
Secondly, it is a first step to learn and understand about the theory, but it is a second to do something about the problems you may have. The therapy is very effective and helpful to me, but I couldn’t do it without an actual psychologist to support me. So if you do feel it necessary, I can advise you to go to one yourself.
I hope I have been helpful nevertheless.

Let me give you one last piece of advice: Do not eat enchiladas while you’re blogging. It is not, I repeat not, efficient and it makes your keyboard dirty. There, I said it. Take it or leave it.

Introducing the Ands and the Ors

So it’s been a while since I decided to stop blogging for an undecided period of time. My perfectionism was getting in my way and I can’t say it’s gone – I can’t even say it’s gotten any better at all – but I have been feeling this urge to write again lately, so I’ll just give it a try.

I think I’ve been going through some big changes in my life, which sounds so cliche, but it’s true unfortunately. See, my biggest issue – with perfectionism in a solid second place – is that I have learned since I was little to hide my emotions, not share personal things, eventually shaping a wall around myself where not only nothing or no one could get through to me, but also feelings inside of me couldn’t get out. I will explain more about this later.
What I want to share with you is equally something to inform others about, as it is a form of therapy to me. Since sharing personal things is exactly what I need to practice with.
So let me just start from the beginning… Or June, if that’s okay (no need to go all the way back to my diaper years).

It started with a funeral. I have been very lucky to have had both of my grandmothers and my grandfather from my mother’s side in my life, my whole childhood long. My other grandfather was very ill and died just before I was born, so I never knew him.
On the last day of June we got the shocking message that my grandmother from my mother’s side had passed away that morning. The family came together and after a week of stressing and family drama, we had the funeral.
Unfortunately, only 3 weeks later my grandfather also passed away. Obviously my grandparents had been together for almost their whole lives, but this was an accident. My grandfather fell and died from a hemorrhage in his brain. Whether that has to do with my grandmother’s death I wouldn’t know and I wouldn’t dare to answer. No one of my family could comprehend the situation… we were all just in a numb state of mind.

While all of this was happening, I was responsible for running a Bed & Breakfast for a few weeks, after just working there for a month, and I also just got my own apartment, which honestly was a whole project on its own (but lets take a moment to think of the fact that I got the one thing I wanted more than anything… that’s another story though) and it was also my birthday somewhere in between. So it was a pretty stressful period and you can imagine that I felt exhausted by the end of the summer.

Not the end of it. It was in August that my last Grandmother had her birthday. But being very emotional from various things: the stressful period, a newly broken heart, problems with communicating with my parents and as a cherry on top getting a birthday card from my grandmother and realizing I never got one from my other grandparents, suddenly understanding they were gone… It just set me over the edge. I couldn’t stop crying that day and I eventually decided that I was of no use there and I left, although I would have wanted to stay for my grandma.
Unfortunately, that was the last chance I would have, but I didn’t know it at the time.
In September, she passed away as well.

My grandparents have had a full, long life and probably it was just their time to go. But it doesn’t get easy. It comes with regrets and “Never will I be able to … again”. Not to mention the tension in the family (which is also a whole other story).

Still not the end of it (but no more deaths, promise). What I haven’t talked about before (at least not in many words) is the fact that I am in therapy. I was in therapy before this all happened as well (also a different story). I have been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. But since this summer I have started group sessions, based on Schema Therapy (developed by J.E. Young). This treatment is meant for people with aspects of Borderline. So apparently I have got that too (not the full diagnosis, but aspects of).
Although the term Borderline was not very welcome in my self image at first, I have learned now that it’s not as stereotype as people think it to be. Borderline is nothing more than an emotion-regulation problem, which can express itself in many different ways.
I wish I could explain to you right now what schema therapy is, what Borderline is, what I’ve experienced of all this, but I could write a book full, so I promise I’ll get back to you on that in another post. What’s important to know right now – in the essence of this post – is that I have learned so much about myself and have learned to understand myself so much more…
(I’ve even grown quite fond of the term Borderline, accepted it in my daily vocabulary. I even made it a verb: When I’m changing moods or feel odd I simply tell my friends I’m Borderlining and they’ll understand exactly what’s going on and where not to go.)

What is bound to happen though, when you start to deal with your issues in an intensive way, is that it will actually get worse before it gets any better. So I have been very depressed over the last few months, to the point where I was having panic attacks and moments of pure, unrated craziness: Throwing things, banging my head into a wall, the usual you know. (Aka: Borderlining)
But I do have a little more peace now with the fact that that’s just the way it is right now and I don’t feel so afraid anymore to show people that I really just am… crazy. Just kidding. 🙂 Adding a little humor is healthy, though.

No, but what I’m trying to say is that I have come to peace with the “ands” instead of the “ors”. I used to hide from people and situations where I might get anxious: You avoid them, or you’ll be scared. I used to feel like I couldn’t accomplish anything if I was feeling depressed: You feel healthy, or you won’t succeed. I used to feel like I can’t tell anyone about who I really am: You keep quiet, or they will hate you.
It’s not gone all at once (then I wouldn’t have anxiety problems anymore), but I’m beginning to see the “Ands” in things. I can feel anxious in some situations and still take it on. I can feel depressed and still accomplish things. I can tell people about who I am and they can still like me. I can be a perfectionist and still write a blog that may or may not be perfect.
It all sounds so simple, but this is actually a whole new world discovery to me: The And-rule.

I guess that’s just what I have to say for now. A little introduction into my freshly restarted writing. As you may have noticed I have got plenty of things to write about and I feel excited to do so. My mind is full of ideas.
I hope that people will find the things I blog about appealing and not offensive, the way I may or may not joke about the more serious things. It’s important to me that you will understand that to me joking is a way of making things just that little bit lighter to deal with. It does not mean that I don’t understand the seriousness of such problems or that I look down on the people who have experienced such conditions. Not at all.

I hope to get back soon with a new story, hopefully focused on a few interesting, specific themes.
But goodbye for now.

Perfectionism in blogging

So it has been really quiet from my end for a pretty long time.
I could say I have been busy and that is not a lie, but it’s not the actual reason. Surely I could have made some time to write a few words here and there.
The real reason is that I have been somewhat conflicted as to where I wanted to go with this blog. Up to the point where I was considering creating a different blog or even deleting some of my earlier posts.

One of the reasons is that I found it very time consuming to write a post. I think I’ve spent half a day writing and editing the last post, until I reached a point of enormous frustration, only to find that I wasn’t all too happy about the way it turned out anyway. Well, that’s not supposed to happen.
I wasn’t all too happy about it, because first of all, it was way too long for my taste. Second, it had several story lines in one, which made it hard to follow what I was trying to say. And third, it was a pretty personal story and although I had decided I wanted to write whatever the Hell I wanted to write, I didn’t feel entirely comfortable by posting it.

Then there was the diversity of the posts. I was writing about so many different things that I wasn’t sure anymore what I wanted it to be about. Again, I said I wanted to write just whatever came to mind, but then again I guess there has to be some sort of structure in it, right?
Just like I’m contemplating right now, as I am writing this, whether to actually post this or not. Because to what end? What am I trying to tell you? Who am I writing this to? What could possibly be interesting about this post to others or is it just about me speaking my mind?
What I don’t want, however, is to write a so-called inspiring, you-can-accomplish-anything, fairy tale blog, because (call me whatever you like) I really don’t believe in that shit and that is just not who I am. If anything, it has to be pure and raw, realistic in all its positive and negative ways.

Another reason is that I have a lot of ways – too many – of expressing my emotions. I have had a diary since I was nine and I’ve always been passionate about writing it, until right after the summer, when I got too busy to take my time to write and started finding other ways to express myself more quickly, efficiently, less painful to my wrist, causing my diary to be neglected. Ways such as drawing (which I have been doing my whole life), shooting a video diary (which is strictly personal), then the blogging right here and the newest thing is bluntly writing anything that comes out in a word-document (also strictly personal).
I am passionate about each and every one of those options, but the difficulty is that I can’t keep them all updated. That would simply be too much. So I have to make choices, boundaries, for which to use in what kind of situation.
I have to say I am also regretting the fact that I haven’t written my diary in a while, because it has always meant a lot to me. On the one hand I want to pick it up again, but on the other hand I realize that keeping up something just because it was a habit and has done a lot for you in the past, doesn’t mean you should continue doing it when obviously it has lost its meaning.

The last thing I’ve been conflicted with is my perfectionism problems. Like what I said about spending half a day writing and editing, reading it over and over 20 times, hitting the edit button maybe 30 times, those are not healthy things.
On top of that there’s the eternal debate whether to delete the blog or the posts because I think they might not be good enough, causing me not to write at all.
I had decided when I started this blog to write whatever I wanted and not care too much about it, because I knew that if I did, I would face this problem and probably stop writing all together, which in fact happened.

So from all the dilemmas I’ve mentioned a few things come forward. One is making choices. Choices for this blog, what I want to do with it. Choices for separate posts, like not trying to write too many things in one post. And choices for what I want to share right here on this blog and what I want to express in a different, perhaps more personal, way (one of the options I mentioned above).
Second is my perfectionism, which actually has a lot to do with choices. I tend to see choices as a one-way-or-the-other crucial, definitive decision. Meaning I put too much weight on the choices I have to make, which makes it hard to decide. And then of course, there is the time consuming part of perfectionism. Well, I have decided that I am not going to re-read this post even once. It’s just gonna go out there with flaws and all (well, I said that, but I couldn’t do it…).

I have to mention that just because I am writing this post now, does not mean I’m back in writing. I can feel in my bones (/in my blood/from my water) that I am still just too conflicted in what I want to accomplish from writing this blog. Personally and towards others. And I feel I am putting too much weight on this decision. And though I know I shouldn’t, I also feel that I cannot yell “Oh the Hell with it!” any time I feel conflicted, because I don’t want to be too impulsive and inconsiderate either.

So what I got to do is take my time, let it breathe, figure some stuff out for myself and only go back to blogging when I feel I have something I want to share, is meaningful to share and I feel I can do it in a considered, but light-hearted way.
Whether that’s gonna be on this blog or another one is something I have yet to decide.

So this is not a goodbye, it’s just a break (though I feel like I’m breaking up with someone). For all I know I could be writing another post in a week. Or it could be months – apart from the decision whether I will continue with this blog or another one.

Whatever choice I will make, one thing is for sure: I will certainly never stop writing. I have been writing my whole life and it would be unimaginable that I would stop doing just that. Words matter. Words are power. I wouldn’t care so much about this decision if I wouldn’t believe that were true. And with that, I have a quote (one of my favorites) I wish to end with.

“Words — so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
Nathanial Hawthorne

This is not a Valentine’s post! (Well, yeah, actually… it is)

So Valentine’s Day is already over and I guess the topic is no longer all that interesting, but I’d like to talk about it for a little while anyway.
There are a lot of discussions about how Valentine’s Day is just a commercial event and that people should show their love to their loved ones every day. And I don’t mind people arguing this, but it came to my attention that no one is arguing the opposite side. So I see it as my duty to do so, because, actually, I love Valentine’s Day.

Of course it is true that stores try to profit from such an event, but in fact, they try to profit from any event. Christmas, mother’s day, father’s day, Halloween, you name it. Every year they start one or two months before the day itself with a truckload of items at ridiculous prices. And who can blame them anyway?
But that doesn’t mean I don’t like Christmas or any of those days. I’m just saying that you should try to look through all of the irrelevant things and decide for yourself what is important to you at this time of year. Ignore the commercial thing they try to make of it and just do what feels right.

Secondly, we should show our love everyday, not only with Valentine’s Day or mother’s day or Christmas. But be honest with me: we don’t.
We sometimes forget to appreciate the people around us and, frankly, we just need a push once in a while to get us to think about these things and realize what is important to us and get the opportunity to act on that.
Wouldn’t it be nice to get love and attention and presents every day? Sure, but don’t even think it’s gonna happen. Because in the normal nine to five day, we don’t really have the time to dwell on all the little – but nevertheless important – things.

So here is my conclusion: If you are the kind of person that is highly aware of what is important  in life and has a way to show it every day or even every week, then please keep doing what you are doing, we need more of that. But whether you are or you are not this kind of person, take to heart that there is no crime in taking advantage of a good excuse to show the people you love how you feel about them. Make it special, make it personal. We can’t be our best every day, so why not try to be this day?

And personally, I’d be happy with just a card and a kiss.

So what was my Valentine’s Day like? Well it wasn’t all that special, since I didn’t have a Valentine. But I was surprisingly okay with that!
I have recently decided for myself that in order to love another – and let another love you – you should love yourself first. I always thought this was a cliche, but I was wrong. In a relationship you should be able to set your boundaries, to choose someone who will take good care of you and mostly, you should do whatever is in your power to make the other person happy (provided that he/she does the same thing for you). These things you cannot do if you don’t respect yourself, know yourself and, yeah, love yourself.
I really don’t mind, though. I’m just happy I came to realize this and I’m happy that I’m working on it. Happy to know that maybe next Valentine’s Day, I will be ready.

I did, however, get an unexpected Valentine’s kiss…
I’m not sure what that meant, but – also surprisingly – I’m pretty okay with that as well. It was perfect in that moment and maybe it will be again in another moment – and maybe not. And both would be cool with me.
Because love doesn’t get rushed. And it doesn’t need to get rushed. It doesn’t even need to become love, but it could just be a nice memory, that – in its turn – might get you closer to knowing what you are searching for.

For some people romantics is about flashy red cards with big hearts, or a box of chocolates, or a poem. In Romeo and Juliet (which is my favorite book… and movie, I confess), love was about being willing to die for each other, rather than living without each other. To me, love is about simplicity. Cherishing the small gestures and the short moments and living them to the fullest. It’s about the moment you are together and needing nothing more than to hold each other. It’s about knowing each other and knowing just what would make the other one happy, without even asking. It’s about warmth, generosity, peace, prosperity (and brown… I associate it with the color brown). It is the feeling that your chest is expanding, because your heart might be too big for it to hold.

I have had some bad relationship experiences in the past. And there is one poem that reminds me every time of why it has never worked out for me so far (and I know it by heart). I find it soothing and the perfect definition of love, by my all time favorite writer (as I more or less indicated before).

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

– Sonnet 116, by William Shakespeare

So if you have celebrated Valentine’s Day, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. If not, I hope you will next year. But in any case, you should just do what works for you and your partner, because I know that everyone has a different way and none of it is really wrong, as long as it works for the people involved.
If you are in love, bless you. If you are not, you will be someday (and bless you too).

Well, I hope I’ve been helpful.
Be good to your loved ones (every Friday)! And until next Valentine’s Day! (Nah, until next week probably)