Inside the Hamster Ball

It’s been a few months since my group therapy has ended, but still I find myself captivated by the things I have learned about myself thanks to schema therapy. I just have the feeling for the first time in my life that I can understand my own actions and I can reason how and why I have been affected in certain ways. It’s like I’m able to breathe again, knowing that my actions have more logic than I initially reckoned and therefore I am possibly not crazy.

First of all, let me try to explain about this form of therapy in my own words, for those who need explaining. Schema therapy, developed by Dr. Young (I must add, or he might find me and punch me in the face), is based on the idea that people create certain thought patterns, based on the experiences they have – or don’t have – mostly in their childhood, which influences them in their self-image and the way they perceive the world around them, long afterwards. In my own perception, I’d like to think of us as if we are programmed with basic assumptions, like creating blueprints for what life is like.
In this programming and copying assumptions, we might encounter some situations that we misinterpret, wrongfully assign to ourselves or we generalize a situation that may not be representative for all other situations. There are many ways this might happen, but to give some examples: If a child is frequently bullied at school, it might grow up with the assumptions that there is something wrong with him. If a child is neglected by his parents, he might grow up with the belief that he is not important. Or even simpler than that: If a child is raised in a perfectly good home, with decent parents, but is never granted any compliment, he might still develop issues where he thinks he is a failure. Depending on the child, the outcome will differ. Some will be just fine, while others will easily develop dysfunctional patterns. The interesting thing is, that these patterns can persist far into adult life and even after experiencing events that may prove the opposite (which we can, for the people interested in psychological terms, attribute to the effect of the Confirmation Bias). It can reactivate a thought- and behavioral pattern in certain situations and give complications later in life that can possibly lead to a variety of mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, borderline and what not.

Okay, so this might all not be much news to you, but what interests me in schema therapy is that it has categorized the full range of thought patterns and behavioral patterns. There is a number of dysfunctional schemas, which are the initial, uncompromised thoughts we have, sorted into comprehensible categories. These schemas lead to what we call modes, which are the ways we respond to our initial thoughts and how we try, in our insufficient ways, to override the effect it has on us. These are also categorized.
This makes it really easy for patients to recognize and understand their behavior and the diagnosis they may have. In my case it was just such a relief to be able to give my demons a name and to be aware of their presence.
I find the whole concept extremely interesting and I want nothing more than to explain all the little facts an theories, based on this categorization (about the combination with mental disorders, interesting states people get in due to its effects, even partner choice that is based on schemas and modes), but it might be more useful to let you look it up if you are interested. There are plenty of books and websites. Unfortunately, I can’t refer you to any English ones, but I have seen they do exist (google schema therapy).

There are some things that I have worked out on my own, in addition to this theory, and even named a few theories I have on the subject (and Dr. Young better give me credit for that, or I will punch him in the face).

One of these theories is based on what I have experienced myself. Within these categorizations of schemas, I noticed that somehow they all affect each other. So one thought gets followed by another, until basically the fact that someone hasn’t called me back or that there was something I didn’t do well, results in the thoughts that I am a complete failure, will be alone forever and I probably do not deserve to live. Talk about radical.
It might be hard to understand when you don’t know the differences between the schemas, but it basically means that if one schema gets activated, they all do. Which is why I call this “the Musketeer Effect“. As in: “One for all and all for one!”

Also, here comes my second theory, we often said in the group that this punishing voice, which tells us these negative thoughts (the Punitive Parent, in schema language), does not like success. So we might not only be triggered by situations that go wrong, but also situations that go really well.
Of course I have a name for that. Either “The Vindictive Counter Reaction” or “The Depreciating/Detracting Counter Reaction” I just couldn’t choose, I like them all (Anyone watches The Flash? I feel like Cisco sometimes).
It means that it will dismiss positive experiences, as if they were lies, misconceptions and assign them to other factors. So someone was laughing at me, not because they liked me, but because they pitied me or got awkward or it was actually directed at someone else. This is the reason I often feel really bad after I had a really good time. My mind just alters the experience I had into a negative one.
Another case in which I feel scared or sad after a good experience, is when I simply realize that I find it hard to engage. To open up after all I have been through. This is a milder case scenario, because I do not diminish the experience, but I do see that it’s not easy for me. This deserves a quite different label, though.

My most frequently activated mode is what I roughly translate into the Detached Protector. Or as I like to call it: My Hamster Ball. It’s one of the existing categories and basically it means I detach from the emotions I have. Whenever I feel angry or sad or scared or I simply find something hard to do or say, I suppress the emotions I have by involuntarily going into a state of mind where I cannot feel them. It took me a long time to figure out what could possibly be wrong with that (or that I had that problem at all, thinking I just didn’t feel anything), but now I have a long list of unwelcome consequences.
Let me tell you now, that if you happen to recognize yourself in what I’m telling you, that you are absolutely out of your mind. Nah, just kidding… You have nothing to worry about as long as you experience the effects in proportions and you don’t suffer from it. (Which is one more reason I love schema therapy: You can apply it even to basic emotions and people’s behavior in general. Which in its turn, almost makes me feel like a normal person.)

So here’s my long list of unwelcome consequences:
1. The obvious effect of blocking your emotions… is not feeling your emotions. We as people want to and try to avoid pain by all means necessary, but we forget the function our emotions have. It is a sign for us that we have a need for something or boundaries that we do not want crossed. When shutting down our emotions, we also lose our sense of that. We can no longer suffice to what we need done and we cannot know what we do or do not want, let alone tell someone.
2. In this state of mind one of the consequences – and I can only guess why – is that we avoid sincere contact with others. My guess would be that others can trigger emotions in us, harm us or, my personal experience and dread, ask us about how we feel (on which we might respond with an outburst of sobbing and wailing). The very emotions we want to avoid. So in order to dodge the bullet, we go quiet, don’t engage in conversations, avoid eye-contact (hair goes in front of eyes, problem solved), avoid any emotional input at all.
3. A well-known side effect is getting very, very hazy. You might not even notice it at the time, but if you do you will experience the world as if there’s a veil fallen over it. Like it doesn’t reach you for a 100 percent and you cannot reach it either. This is also a first step towards dissociation.
4. Looking back on a state in the Hamster Ball, I have experienced that I can’t recall it quite as well as moments when I was not in this state. My memories therefore, are very vague. So, forgetfulness is definitely a symptom.
5.  I will have a sincere feeling of tiredness. Indistinguishable from actual tiredness, except that it happens to come up simultaneously when my wall goes up and it magically disappears when it goes back down.
6. To avoid any emotional content, I will be strangely focused on things that are not significant at all. Such as the lining in the wood or my fingernails or a strand of hair, toying with my eyelashes, anything at all.
There are many more implications and telltales (which I find sometimes amusing), of which there are some that may be applicable to anyone and some that may be personal.

Like I said, it is not necessarily a problem to have this mode from time to time, but it has mean consequences when it gets out of proportions. Like I hinted before, this mode (in my personal theory) is on a direct line with dissociation. Dissociation is a very confusing and frightening state of mind, that consists all the effects mentioned above, but then in an increased way.
When I dissociated for one of the first times, I fell into complete apathy (as someone described me afterwards), panicked because I just “didn’t know” anymore (what don’t you know? I don’t know! That is just all I could think at that moment: “I don’t know. I don’t understand.”) and eventually I just had to get out, I had to go away. Only to learn years after that, the nature of that inexplicable event.

A second theory I have on this subject, is what I call “The Nuclear Bomb“. This is where you find yourself in a vicious thought circle that starts with your negative thoughts, your schemas, that have impact on your emotions, those emotions arouse your Detached Protector, but because that represses your emotions, it magnifies your schemas even more (also consisting of the Nuclear Bomb). Because all these factors amplify each other, it will trigger a highly suppressed emotional state, which will be harder to control by the second. This can cause an outburst at some point, such as a panic attack.

I realize it’s quite a lot to take in, especially when this is the first time you hear of schema therapy, and I notice there is a lot I would like to say about it, but I’d even rather encourage you to do some research of your own. You may find it easier to understand yourself or the people around you. I know I do. I would also like to hear your take on this. Maybe even some new theories.
I’m lucky to have made a good friend in therapy, we talk about schemas like… all the time. It’s kind of our thing.
Secondly, it is a first step to learn and understand about the theory, but it is a second to do something about the problems you may have. The therapy is very effective and helpful to me, but I couldn’t do it without an actual psychologist to support me. So if you do feel it necessary, I can advise you to go to one yourself.
I hope I have been helpful nevertheless.

Let me give you one last piece of advice: Do not eat enchiladas while you’re blogging. It is not, I repeat not, efficient and it makes your keyboard dirty. There, I said it. Take it or leave it.