The big floating purple pillow

I’m lying on my pillow in the sky. This is my safe place. I go here when I’m upset. Or scared. It’s big and soft and high above the world. I can see the buildings beneath me. The city asleep, the stars above. The clock tower lit up on the one side. I can smell fresh bread below, but the air is quiet. I won’t be bothered here. I’m far away from everything, high above, yet it’s impossible to fall off.
And in my safe place, you are here as well. We’re lying next to each other and we’re cuddling like we usually do. It’s safe and warm. This is where you’ll never leave me.
It’s all I ever want to do. Be on that pillow. You with me.

I have memories of you leaving. Of you gone. I remember a sharp pain. I remember burning. But it’s not real. You are here. In my safe place, on a floating pillow. You are here.
You left. You let me down. I believed in you again and when I trusted you to stay, to come back, you left. But you’re not. You didn’t.
We’re cuddling. I can feel your body, attached to mine. We are here. You a part of me.

The bell rings, I do not know which hour. It’s the clock tower. There are birds in the sky, I do not know which. But they fly, black streaks against the sky. It’s the smell of bread. But it’s night. I do not know why. But the stars shine bright.
This is real. I can feel you. I can feel my feelings for you. We will never leave this pillow. A floating pillow. You wouldn’t leave.

I’m falling asleep. You next to me. Body to body, you’re holding me. Hand in hand. It’s been a long night.
I wake up. There is an empty feeling. Where are you? You couldn’t have left. We were high up in the sky.
I realize my pillow isn’t purple. Where are the black streaks? Why is it light? It’s not right.
I can’t breathe. A hollow feeling’s rushing over me. I’m afraid of losing you.

I have to find you. Where did I see you last?
I’m on my purple floating pillow. Everything is quiet here. There you are. Let’s go back to bed.

Loss by reason

On a rainy, lonely day, with nothing much to do, I can only sit in my ivory tower and do some 11th floor thinking. I say lonely, because that is how I feel right now. It’s been a rough week on me in terms of unhealthy relationships and I feel like there isn’t really anyone to turn to at this point.

However, I do notice a change in me when it comes to coping and severity of the impact of emotions. If I understand correctly from my recently acquired knowledge of DBT – short for Dialectical Behavior Therapy – this corresponds with one of the stages (as DBT has 4 stages of treatment), which is pretty much about feeling emotions without suffocating in them. Now, I’m in a different kind of therapy – Schema therapy, accompanied by a recently started mindfulness group – but I do see a lot of similarities in the two, since they’re both specifically designed for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. The treatments have a very different approach, but in the end work towards the same goals.
If you are somewhat familiar with the concept of Borderline, you will know that one of the most critical issues is loss and loneliness. Fear of abandonment, clinging, an unsatisfiable feeling of emptiness, problems with being alone and severe reactions to loss. As Borderline, however, also means establishing and maintaining unstable relationships, abandonment is frequently inevitable.

I don’t see myself as being the most extreme case of Borderline. I’m more of a quiet Borderliner and then still not the most affected one. When I hear stories of others, I can empathize, since I understand their perception from comparing it to my own and I recognize the similar traits, but I suppose I only have a mild version of the disorder (although here is where I doubt my own accuracy, because downgrading problems and feelings is also a known Borderline thing).
But I do have my share of unhealthy relationships. Like, really. For some reason I seem to only attract – and be attracted to – what I call ’emotionally unavailable’ men. I’m talking dominant, denigrating, neglecting, troubled beyond repair, selfish, taken(!), about to move away, still hung up on an ex, not interested in serious relationships, emotionally cut off men. I am seriously in wonder of how your mind just knows these things, because these factors increase the level of attractiveness in a man, even before I explicitly learn about them.
There is good news. 1: There’s a trick. Never go for the 9 or the 10. If you know yourself to end up in these relationships, be aware of your attraction to someone. Measure the attraction and rather go for a 6 or 7 on the attraction scale. A healthy relationship often grows slowly. Secondly, whatever the number, but especially if you do go out with an 8 or higher, observe cautiously and make mental notes of red flags (and I’m saying cautious,  not overly suspicious). A red flag being a sign that he/she will not be able to give you what you need (so be aware of what you need). Don’t fall in love, but slowly float in love. And 2: It gets better. If you are doing therapy, working on yourself, eventually – alongside your personal growth – your attraction to bad matches will become less.

I’m one to talk. I have a reasonable amount of insight in these things, but struggle just as much. You see, I have found my perfect dysfunctional match.
It would be easier to explain to you in schemas, because with my most severe schema being the one we call ‘Emotional Deprivation’, it makes sense that my ’10’, my perfect match, would be an emotionally ‘deprivating’ person. He ticks all my schema boxes (if it did, I did not mean for that to sound dirty). This is what we call ‘schema chemistry’. But I haven’t yet explained a whole lot to you about schemas, so I’ll make a side note out of it and I’ll explain it some other time.
This guy is Peter Pan – a nickname I gave to him, but he doesn’t know what it means. A lost boy, comes and goes whenever he wants, doesn’t want to feel attached, refuses to grow up. We’ve been in this on-again, off-again kind of thing for a long time now. We get back together, it’s intense, then he’s just gone. Hits like a comet, then rages on. While I am starting to get past this ‘men-problem’, he is the one person I still keep getting back to. The worst part is: He’s actually a good guy.
‘Dialectical thinking’: Two things can be true simultaneously. He is the worst influence on me, because he goes and then comes back into my life and I always know he will drag me down. And yet I do strongly feel for him – I can’t even describe to you how much I care about this guy – because he is just a good and caring person, with a shitload of problems. I can understand him. We are actually very similar, with the exception of one thing: I have gained the insight into my own thinking and my actions, trying to change and fix what was wrong. And he hasn’t… yet.
Then there’s the frustrating part: I may understand him perfectly, but I can never make him understand that I do. Or what it is that I understand. There is only one way that people can truly change: If they want to. If they deliberately choose to do so. Whatever I say, whatever insights I may have in him, it will not do anything for him or for us.

Recently, we’ve been seeing each other again. I don’t think it’s even been this intense, ever. I feel it through my whole body, when I look at him: I just want to tell him I love him. And then I leave, while I wish I could lock us up in a room and never get out, and I get this huge fear of losing him. Not even because of the Borderline, but because this is realistic. This is what happens between us every time. Then I start feeling sad and anxious, especially when I don’t get the response I wish I would get from him.
This is where I stop myself. I would have desperately clung to him in the past, but I know that will drive him even further from me. So I don’t act. However, I do feel pain and I know that this pain is real and realistic. I am not in a place as I would want to be with him. He is not committed to me and I know he would leave me whenever he feels like it – whatever I do or don’t do.
So in contrast to the intensity of it and my feelings for him, you can imagine the pain I am feeling, knowing this will not work. Luckily, I am in a better place now, personally, and I can endure the pain and think a little more clearly now.

Here is where I come back to my initial point. Now that I can bear the feeling of loneliness (without going off like a nuclear bomb), there is room for me to observe. And with this observation, to consciously make a decision. To consciously choose loss and loneliness, knowing it will hurt me, over a relationship that will eventually hurt me even more – and more than once.

It is not easy to change. And mostly for the part where it comes to leaving others behind. When you change, you will lose people you care about. Not because we don’t care anymore, but because it’s only natural. You were connected because of how well you fit together and when one person changes, you might not fit together anymore, or not in the same way.
This is okay. It is okay to grow apart, because it doesn’t mean that we forget that someone was once important in our lives. Sometimes we just do.
At the same time, it’s also painful. That is okay just as well. It is supposed to be painful, but it doesn’t need to be all-consuming. This is hard to explain, because I know what it’s like when you feel like your pain is like being torn up from the inside or the center of your Universe being destroyed, as if this pain will never go away. But at some point, you will learn that pain is to be observed and nurtured and it will almost be like a relief to feel it. Pain is 10 times more bearable, once you can accept it’s there.
In the same way, if you are not ready to move past a situation or relationship, even though you know it’s not functional, that is perfectly okay too. As long as you knowingly make the decision to stay there a little while longer. Be confident that, as long as you’re moving forward, there will be a time that you are ready to step away.

As for me and Peter Pan and our adventures in Wonderland (trust me, it’s more applicable this way), I think the one way for me to move on, is to tell him how I feel about him. That I do have serious feelings for him and that is why I can’t sustain this relationship the way it has been, because it will hurt me every time.
I will still have the same feelings for him, whatever happens. And I will have pain in leaving him behind, if that is what it comes down to. But to put my cards on the table, even if that means eventually closing the door, will open up a platform for me to build something on, on terms I actually agree on. With or without him, or maybe in another way of connecting.
And if he would ever choose to change, because he wants to, then we can always look to see if there is again another way we might fit together – or not.

Don’t for a second think that I am all wise about it and I don’t go Borderline from time to time. I do.
In my reason, I know all of this to be true. In all my other modes, I’m internally at war. It’s confusing and sad. But I hope my reason will be able to calm the rest of me down. That I can accept the confusion, the sadness, even the anger. Acknowledge it and then go back to my reason.
Borderline or no borderline, loss is always painful. Sometimes more than other times. In any case, only time and learning to see things in a different perspective can help. And if I was able to provide some perspective, I’m happy to have done so.

Newly found laws of existence

Let’s do something original.
I’ve been writing and deleting (and writing and deleting and writing and deleting…) an introduction for you to quickly catch up with what I’ve been doing for the last months, before I start blogging about some specific subjects I have in my mind for the upcoming posts.
But there is really no quick way of telling you everything.
So instead of telling you what I’ve done, I’ve decided I’m going to give you a list of what I’ve learned.

Things I’ve learned in the last 7 months, a.k.a. my newly found laws of existence (I needed a cool name):

1. I’ve recently learned an important lesson: That it is possible to do things with fear. Your knees may be shaking, your palms may be sweaty, you might stutter, turn red, cry, but fear cannot hold you back. And in not letting it hold you back, you will become less afraid.
2. Perseverance is rewarding. And apparently, I have a lot of that.
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4. I’ve learned to be a little less of a perfeksionist. And in doing so, I’ve made it easier for myself to be productive and finish tasks with less stress (suggested exercise: make mistakes on purpose). Not unimportant: I also enjoy activities more than I used to, thanks to the lack of constant pressure to be and do better.
5. I’ve learned to channel my emotions in a much healthier way and although I am not done learning just yet, I am absolutely convinced now that borderline is manageable, if not curable, whereas I would never have dared to think it possible some time ago.
6. Apparently, I like to paint.
7. “I have an infinite amount of tasks in a finite amount of time.” Is my own personalized alteration of Zeno’s Dichotomy paradox, based on my tendency to want to learn everything about everything with not enough life span to possibly be able to (and I am still determined to do it… referring to law number 2).
8. I learned I can be made childishly happy with simple things: Pie. Comics. Science. Books. Oh and board games, def board games. And even more I’ve learned the importance of making myself happy with these little things.
9. Everything is relative. And this time, I’m not referring to science. I’ve found that people’s opinions, about yourself or anything else for that matter, are not set in stone. We all have our observations and we are all allowed to have them. However, none of it is the absolute truth. A direct (translated) quote from my diary: “There is not just one way to look at things. That said, it’s not weird either to create your own truth. There is not just one way. And so nobody is ever really wrong. You can never say anything about that.” The thought of that has helped me a lot in forming my own opinion and finding my own way, regardless of what other people say.
10. I am not awful. I keep discovering that people actually like and appreciate what I have to say, although I’ve spent a long time thinking that wouldn’t be possible. Which also means that my own opinion is only relative and not necessarily true. And this has brought me some actual confidence to open up and take up space. From all the things I’ve learned, this is the one I am the most grateful for.
11. Acceptance. To accept the things I’m feeling, however ‘inconvenient’ it may seem. Accept things that are, even if it’s not what I’ve aimed for. To accept the time I need and the point I’m at. To listen to my own feelings and act upon those, not even needing to justify everything.

There is so much more that I’ve learned and so much more stories I’d like to share.
I am truly content with my life right now, which is all new for me. Being at this point right now, is more than I could have imagined or hoped for. I owe it to a variety of things, among which: My therapy, perseverance and a lot of hard work and reflection. And now I just want to bring you in on the things that have helped me so much. Which is exactly what I’m planning to do and for which I am going to take the necessary time and space, hopefully while illustrating my ‘laws’ a little bit more.

So please stay tuned for my upcoming posts. The plan is to mainly start explaining my kind of therapy to you, using a few models that I think everyone should be aware of, because it clarifies human behavior so so much. In between I’m going to write about a few random, lighter subjects, just to keep the balance. But I think those will be just as interesting for you guys.

So thank you all for reading, hope you liked it, and you’ll hear from me soon.

Inside the Hamster Ball

It’s been a few months since my group therapy has ended, but still I find myself captivated by the things I have learned about myself thanks to schema therapy. I just have the feeling for the first time in my life that I can understand my own actions and I can reason how and why I have been affected in certain ways. It’s like I’m able to breathe again, knowing that my actions have more logic than I initially reckoned and therefore I am possibly not crazy.

First of all, let me try to explain about this form of therapy in my own words, for those who need explaining. Schema therapy, developed by Dr. Young (I must add, or he might find me and punch me in the face), is based on the idea that people create certain thought patterns, based on the experiences they have – or don’t have – mostly in their childhood, which influences them in their self-image and the way they perceive the world around them, long afterwards. In my own perception, I’d like to think of us as if we are programmed with basic assumptions, like creating blueprints for what life is like.
In this programming and copying assumptions, we might encounter some situations that we misinterpret, wrongfully assign to ourselves or we generalize a situation that may not be representative for all other situations. There are many ways this might happen, but to give some examples: If a child is frequently bullied at school, it might grow up with the assumptions that there is something wrong with him. If a child is neglected by his parents, he might grow up with the belief that he is not important. Or even simpler than that: If a child is raised in a perfectly good home, with decent parents, but is never granted any compliment, he might still develop issues where he thinks he is a failure. Depending on the child, the outcome will differ. Some will be just fine, while others will easily develop dysfunctional patterns. The interesting thing is, that these patterns can persist far into adult life and even after experiencing events that may prove the opposite (which we can, for the people interested in psychological terms, attribute to the effect of the Confirmation Bias). It can reactivate a thought- and behavioral pattern in certain situations and give complications later in life that can possibly lead to a variety of mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, borderline and what not.

Okay, so this might all not be much news to you, but what interests me in schema therapy is that it has categorized the full range of thought patterns and behavioral patterns. There is a number of dysfunctional schemas, which are the initial, uncompromised thoughts we have, sorted into comprehensible categories. These schemas lead to what we call modes, which are the ways we respond to our initial thoughts and how we try, in our insufficient ways, to override the effect it has on us. These are also categorized.
This makes it really easy for patients to recognize and understand their behavior and the diagnosis they may have. In my case it was just such a relief to be able to give my demons a name and to be aware of their presence.
I find the whole concept extremely interesting and I want nothing more than to explain all the little facts an theories, based on this categorization (about the combination with mental disorders, interesting states people get in due to its effects, even partner choice that is based on schemas and modes), but it might be more useful to let you look it up if you are interested. There are plenty of books and websites. Unfortunately, I can’t refer you to any English ones, but I have seen they do exist (google schema therapy).

There are some things that I have worked out on my own, in addition to this theory, and even named a few theories I have on the subject (and Dr. Young better give me credit for that, or I will punch him in the face).

One of these theories is based on what I have experienced myself. Within these categorizations of schemas, I noticed that somehow they all affect each other. So one thought gets followed by another, until basically the fact that someone hasn’t called me back or that there was something I didn’t do well, results in the thoughts that I am a complete failure, will be alone forever and I probably do not deserve to live. Talk about radical.
It might be hard to understand when you don’t know the differences between the schemas, but it basically means that if one schema gets activated, they all do. Which is why I call this “the Musketeer Effect“. As in: “One for all and all for one!”

Also, here comes my second theory, we often said in the group that this punishing voice, which tells us these negative thoughts (the Punitive Parent, in schema language), does not like success. So we might not only be triggered by situations that go wrong, but also situations that go really well.
Of course I have a name for that. Either “The Vindictive Counter Reaction” or “The Depreciating/Detracting Counter Reaction” I just couldn’t choose, I like them all (Anyone watches The Flash? I feel like Cisco sometimes).
It means that it will dismiss positive experiences, as if they were lies, misconceptions and assign them to other factors. So someone was laughing at me, not because they liked me, but because they pitied me or got awkward or it was actually directed at someone else. This is the reason I often feel really bad after I had a really good time. My mind just alters the experience I had into a negative one.
Another case in which I feel scared or sad after a good experience, is when I simply realize that I find it hard to engage. To open up after all I have been through. This is a milder case scenario, because I do not diminish the experience, but I do see that it’s not easy for me. This deserves a quite different label, though.

My most frequently activated mode is what I roughly translate into the Detached Protector. Or as I like to call it: My Hamster Ball. It’s one of the existing categories and basically it means I detach from the emotions I have. Whenever I feel angry or sad or scared or I simply find something hard to do or say, I suppress the emotions I have by involuntarily going into a state of mind where I cannot feel them. It took me a long time to figure out what could possibly be wrong with that (or that I had that problem at all, thinking I just didn’t feel anything), but now I have a long list of unwelcome consequences.
Let me tell you now, that if you happen to recognize yourself in what I’m telling you, that you are absolutely out of your mind. Nah, just kidding… You have nothing to worry about as long as you experience the effects in proportions and you don’t suffer from it. (Which is one more reason I love schema therapy: You can apply it even to basic emotions and people’s behavior in general. Which in its turn, almost makes me feel like a normal person.)

So here’s my long list of unwelcome consequences:
1. The obvious effect of blocking your emotions… is not feeling your emotions. We as people want to and try to avoid pain by all means necessary, but we forget the function our emotions have. It is a sign for us that we have a need for something or boundaries that we do not want crossed. When shutting down our emotions, we also lose our sense of that. We can no longer suffice to what we need done and we cannot know what we do or do not want, let alone tell someone.
2. In this state of mind one of the consequences – and I can only guess why – is that we avoid sincere contact with others. My guess would be that others can trigger emotions in us, harm us or, my personal experience and dread, ask us about how we feel (on which we might respond with an outburst of sobbing and wailing). The very emotions we want to avoid. So in order to dodge the bullet, we go quiet, don’t engage in conversations, avoid eye-contact (hair goes in front of eyes, problem solved), avoid any emotional input at all.
3. A well-known side effect is getting very, very hazy. You might not even notice it at the time, but if you do you will experience the world as if there’s a veil fallen over it. Like it doesn’t reach you for a 100 percent and you cannot reach it either. This is also a first step towards dissociation.
4. Looking back on a state in the Hamster Ball, I have experienced that I can’t recall it quite as well as moments when I was not in this state. My memories therefore, are very vague. So, forgetfulness is definitely a symptom.
5.  I will have a sincere feeling of tiredness. Indistinguishable from actual tiredness, except that it happens to come up simultaneously when my wall goes up and it magically disappears when it goes back down.
6. To avoid any emotional content, I will be strangely focused on things that are not significant at all. Such as the lining in the wood or my fingernails or a strand of hair, toying with my eyelashes, anything at all.
There are many more implications and telltales (which I find sometimes amusing), of which there are some that may be applicable to anyone and some that may be personal.

Like I said, it is not necessarily a problem to have this mode from time to time, but it has mean consequences when it gets out of proportions. Like I hinted before, this mode (in my personal theory) is on a direct line with dissociation. Dissociation is a very confusing and frightening state of mind, that consists all the effects mentioned above, but then in an increased way.
When I dissociated for one of the first times, I fell into complete apathy (as someone described me afterwards), panicked because I just “didn’t know” anymore (what don’t you know? I don’t know! That is just all I could think at that moment: “I don’t know. I don’t understand.”) and eventually I just had to get out, I had to go away. Only to learn years after that, the nature of that inexplicable event.

A second theory I have on this subject, is what I call “The Nuclear Bomb“. This is where you find yourself in a vicious thought circle that starts with your negative thoughts, your schemas, that have impact on your emotions, those emotions arouse your Detached Protector, but because that represses your emotions, it magnifies your schemas even more (also consisting of the Nuclear Bomb). Because all these factors amplify each other, it will trigger a highly suppressed emotional state, which will be harder to control by the second. This can cause an outburst at some point, such as a panic attack.

I realize it’s quite a lot to take in, especially when this is the first time you hear of schema therapy, and I notice there is a lot I would like to say about it, but I’d even rather encourage you to do some research of your own. You may find it easier to understand yourself or the people around you. I know I do. I would also like to hear your take on this. Maybe even some new theories.
I’m lucky to have made a good friend in therapy, we talk about schemas like… all the time. It’s kind of our thing.
Secondly, it is a first step to learn and understand about the theory, but it is a second to do something about the problems you may have. The therapy is very effective and helpful to me, but I couldn’t do it without an actual psychologist to support me. So if you do feel it necessary, I can advise you to go to one yourself.
I hope I have been helpful nevertheless.

Let me give you one last piece of advice: Do not eat enchiladas while you’re blogging. It is not, I repeat not, efficient and it makes your keyboard dirty. There, I said it. Take it or leave it.

Introducing the Ands and the Ors

So it’s been a while since I decided to stop blogging for an undecided period of time. My perfectionism was getting in my way and I can’t say it’s gone – I can’t even say it’s gotten any better at all – but I have been feeling this urge to write again lately, so I’ll just give it a try.

I think I’ve been going through some big changes in my life, which sounds so cliche, but it’s true unfortunately. See, my biggest issue – with perfectionism in a solid second place – is that I have learned since I was little to hide my emotions, not share personal things, eventually shaping a wall around myself where not only nothing or no one could get through to me, but also feelings inside of me couldn’t get out. I will explain more about this later.
What I want to share with you is equally something to inform others about, as it is a form of therapy to me. Since sharing personal things is exactly what I need to practice with.
So let me just start from the beginning… Or June, if that’s okay (no need to go all the way back to my diaper years).

It started with a funeral. I have been very lucky to have had both of my grandmothers and my grandfather from my mother’s side in my life, my whole childhood long. My other grandfather was very ill and died just before I was born, so I never knew him.
On the last day of June we got the shocking message that my grandmother from my mother’s side had passed away that morning. The family came together and after a week of stressing and family drama, we had the funeral.
Unfortunately, only 3 weeks later my grandfather also passed away. Obviously my grandparents had been together for almost their whole lives, but this was an accident. My grandfather fell and died from a hemorrhage in his brain. Whether that has to do with my grandmother’s death I wouldn’t know and I wouldn’t dare to answer. No one of my family could comprehend the situation… we were all just in a numb state of mind.

While all of this was happening, I was responsible for running a Bed & Breakfast for a few weeks, after just working there for a month, and I also just got my own apartment, which honestly was a whole project on its own (but lets take a moment to think of the fact that I got the one thing I wanted more than anything… that’s another story though) and it was also my birthday somewhere in between. So it was a pretty stressful period and you can imagine that I felt exhausted by the end of the summer.

Not the end of it. It was in August that my last Grandmother had her birthday. But being very emotional from various things: the stressful period, a newly broken heart, problems with communicating with my parents and as a cherry on top getting a birthday card from my grandmother and realizing I never got one from my other grandparents, suddenly understanding they were gone… It just set me over the edge. I couldn’t stop crying that day and I eventually decided that I was of no use there and I left, although I would have wanted to stay for my grandma.
Unfortunately, that was the last chance I would have, but I didn’t know it at the time.
In September, she passed away as well.

My grandparents have had a full, long life and probably it was just their time to go. But it doesn’t get easy. It comes with regrets and “Never will I be able to … again”. Not to mention the tension in the family (which is also a whole other story).

Still not the end of it (but no more deaths, promise). What I haven’t talked about before (at least not in many words) is the fact that I am in therapy. I was in therapy before this all happened as well (also a different story). I have been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. But since this summer I have started group sessions, based on Schema Therapy (developed by J.E. Young). This treatment is meant for people with aspects of Borderline. So apparently I have got that too (not the full diagnosis, but aspects of).
Although the term Borderline was not very welcome in my self image at first, I have learned now that it’s not as stereotype as people think it to be. Borderline is nothing more than an emotion-regulation problem, which can express itself in many different ways.
I wish I could explain to you right now what schema therapy is, what Borderline is, what I’ve experienced of all this, but I could write a book full, so I promise I’ll get back to you on that in another post. What’s important to know right now – in the essence of this post – is that I have learned so much about myself and have learned to understand myself so much more…
(I’ve even grown quite fond of the term Borderline, accepted it in my daily vocabulary. I even made it a verb: When I’m changing moods or feel odd I simply tell my friends I’m Borderlining and they’ll understand exactly what’s going on and where not to go.)

What is bound to happen though, when you start to deal with your issues in an intensive way, is that it will actually get worse before it gets any better. So I have been very depressed over the last few months, to the point where I was having panic attacks and moments of pure, unrated craziness: Throwing things, banging my head into a wall, the usual you know. (Aka: Borderlining)
But I do have a little more peace now with the fact that that’s just the way it is right now and I don’t feel so afraid anymore to show people that I really just am… crazy. Just kidding. 🙂 Adding a little humor is healthy, though.

No, but what I’m trying to say is that I have come to peace with the “ands” instead of the “ors”. I used to hide from people and situations where I might get anxious: You avoid them, or you’ll be scared. I used to feel like I couldn’t accomplish anything if I was feeling depressed: You feel healthy, or you won’t succeed. I used to feel like I can’t tell anyone about who I really am: You keep quiet, or they will hate you.
It’s not gone all at once (then I wouldn’t have anxiety problems anymore), but I’m beginning to see the “Ands” in things. I can feel anxious in some situations and still take it on. I can feel depressed and still accomplish things. I can tell people about who I am and they can still like me. I can be a perfectionist and still write a blog that may or may not be perfect.
It all sounds so simple, but this is actually a whole new world discovery to me: The And-rule.

I guess that’s just what I have to say for now. A little introduction into my freshly restarted writing. As you may have noticed I have got plenty of things to write about and I feel excited to do so. My mind is full of ideas.
I hope that people will find the things I blog about appealing and not offensive, the way I may or may not joke about the more serious things. It’s important to me that you will understand that to me joking is a way of making things just that little bit lighter to deal with. It does not mean that I don’t understand the seriousness of such problems or that I look down on the people who have experienced such conditions. Not at all.

I hope to get back soon with a new story, hopefully focused on a few interesting, specific themes.
But goodbye for now.