Perfectionism in blogging

So it has been really quiet from my end for a pretty long time.
I could say I have been busy and that is not a lie, but it’s not the actual reason. Surely I could have made some time to write a few words here and there.
The real reason is that I have been somewhat conflicted as to where I wanted to go with this blog. Up to the point where I was considering creating a different blog or even deleting some of my earlier posts.

One of the reasons is that I found it very time consuming to write a post. I think I’ve spent half a day writing and editing the last post, until I reached a point of enormous frustration, only to find that I wasn’t all too happy about the way it turned out anyway. Well, that’s not supposed to happen.
I wasn’t all too happy about it, because first of all, it was way too long for my taste. Second, it had several story lines in one, which made it hard to follow what I was trying to say. And third, it was a pretty personal story and although I had decided I wanted to write whatever the Hell I wanted to write, I didn’t feel entirely comfortable by posting it.

Then there was the diversity of the posts. I was writing about so many different things that I wasn’t sure anymore what I wanted it to be about. Again, I said I wanted to write just whatever came to mind, but then again I guess there has to be some sort of structure in it, right?
Just like I’m contemplating right now, as I am writing this, whether to actually post this or not. Because to what end? What am I trying to tell you? Who am I writing this to? What could possibly be interesting about this post to others or is it just about me speaking my mind?
What I don’t want, however, is to write a so-called inspiring, you-can-accomplish-anything, fairy tale blog, because (call me whatever you like) I really don’t believe in that shit and that is just not who I am. If anything, it has to be pure and raw, realistic in all its positive and negative ways.

Another reason is that I have a lot of ways – too many – of expressing my emotions. I have had a diary since I was nine and I’ve always been passionate about writing it, until right after the summer, when I got too busy to take my time to write and started finding other ways to express myself more quickly, efficiently, less painful to my wrist, causing my diary to be neglected. Ways such as drawing (which I have been doing my whole life), shooting a video diary (which is strictly personal), then the blogging right here and the newest thing is bluntly writing anything that comes out in a word-document (also strictly personal).
I am passionate about each and every one of those options, but the difficulty is that I can’t keep them all updated. That would simply be too much. So I have to make choices, boundaries, for which to use in what kind of situation.
I have to say I am also regretting the fact that I haven’t written my diary in a while, because it has always meant a lot to me. On the one hand I want to pick it up again, but on the other hand I realize that keeping up something just because it was a habit and has done a lot for you in the past, doesn’t mean you should continue doing it when obviously it has lost its meaning.

The last thing I’ve been conflicted with is my perfectionism problems. Like what I said about spending half a day writing and editing, reading it over and over 20 times, hitting the edit button maybe 30 times, those are not healthy things.
On top of that there’s the eternal debate whether to delete the blog or the posts because I think they might not be good enough, causing me not to write at all.
I had decided when I started this blog to write whatever I wanted and not care too much about it, because I knew that if I did, I would face this problem and probably stop writing all together, which in fact happened.

So from all the dilemmas I’ve mentioned a few things come forward. One is making choices. Choices for this blog, what I want to do with it. Choices for separate posts, like not trying to write too many things in one post. And choices for what I want to share right here on this blog and what I want to express in a different, perhaps more personal, way (one of the options I mentioned above).
Second is my perfectionism, which actually has a lot to do with choices. I tend to see choices as a one-way-or-the-other crucial, definitive decision. Meaning I put too much weight on the choices I have to make, which makes it hard to decide. And then of course, there is the time consuming part of perfectionism. Well, I have decided that I am not going to re-read this post even once. It’s just gonna go out there with flaws and all (well, I said that, but I couldn’t do it…).

I have to mention that just because I am writing this post now, does not mean I’m back in writing. I can feel in my bones (/in my blood/from my water) that I am still just too conflicted in what I want to accomplish from writing this blog. Personally and towards others. And I feel I am putting too much weight on this decision. And though I know I shouldn’t, I also feel that I cannot yell “Oh the Hell with it!” any time I feel conflicted, because I don’t want to be too impulsive and inconsiderate either.

So what I got to do is take my time, let it breathe, figure some stuff out for myself and only go back to blogging when I feel I have something I want to share, is meaningful to share and I feel I can do it in a considered, but light-hearted way.
Whether that’s gonna be on this blog or another one is something I have yet to decide.

So this is not a goodbye, it’s just a break (though I feel like I’m breaking up with someone). For all I know I could be writing another post in a week. Or it could be months – apart from the decision whether I will continue with this blog or another one.

Whatever choice I will make, one thing is for sure: I will certainly never stop writing. I have been writing my whole life and it would be unimaginable that I would stop doing just that. Words matter. Words are power. I wouldn’t care so much about this decision if I wouldn’t believe that were true. And with that, I have a quote (one of my favorites) I wish to end with.

“Words — so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
Nathanial Hawthorne